I built a 26-man roster using only fictional baseball players from movies and TV, 1975–2026. No real players. Peak fictional form only. Cultural impact matters. Film metrics matter. Absurdity absolutely matters.
The Starting Lineup
The committee has spoken. The vote was allegedly counted. Legal counsel has advised us not to explain the methodology.
CF — Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez
🎬 The Sandlot
🍅 66% Tomatometer 🍿89% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Speed, myth, vibes, childhood immortality.
Cons: His entire scouting report is “outran a dog once,” and somehow that’s still an 80-grade tool.
C — Dottie Hinson
🎬 A League of Their Own
🍅 82% Tomatometer (Certified Fresh) 🍿84% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: The best catcher in the pool, the leader of adults, survives Jimmy Dugan.
Clubhouse Whisper: Every clubhouse needs one adult. Congratulations, it's Dottie.
DH — Roy Hobbs (L)
🎬 The Natural
🍅 83% Tomatometer 🍿88% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Mythological bat speed. Left-handed thunder. Lightning risk.
Clubhouse Whisper: Oldest young player in baseball history. Built like a warning from the gods.
RF — Rex “T-Rex” Pennebaker
🎬 Mr. 3000
🍅 54% Tomatometer 🍿30% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Big-league corner-outfield thump, loud tools, middle-of-the-order violence.
Clubhouse Whisper: Named T-Rex, which means either 40 homers or an injured ego by Thursday.
3B — Carlos
🎬 The Benchwarmers
🍅 13% Tomatometer 🍿64% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Two-way absurdity, position scarcity helper, dangerous “kid”.
Clubhouse Whisper: This is either genius roster construction or a cry for help.
1B — Stan Ross (L)
🎬 Mr. 3000
🍅 54% Tomatometer 🍿30% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Professional hitter, milestone résumé, left-handed bat with 3,000-hit ego.
Clubhouse Whisper: Clubhouse chemistry grade currently listed as “pending litigation.”
2B — Marla Hooch
🎬 A League of Their Own
🍅 82% Tomatometer (Certified Fresh) 🍿84% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Pure hitter, contact monster, middle-infield steadiness with zero wasted movement.
Clubhouse Whisper: The most terrifying sentence in this lineup is still “What a hitter.”
SS — Kelly Leak
🎬 The Bad News Bears (1976)
🍅 90% Tomatometer 🍿80% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Shortstop tools, swagger, arm strength, motorcycle-confidence level makeup.
Clubhouse Whisper: Gonna be late to the game. Probably goes 3-for-4 anyway.
LF — Willie Mays Hayes
🎬 Major League (Only the first one matters)
🍅 83% Tomatometer 🍿84% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Game-changing speed, elite disruption, center-field range pushed to left by Benny “The Jet” mythology.
Clubhouse Whisper: Hit it on the ground, and he’s an All-Star. Hit it in the air, and Lou Brown starts smoking heaters again.
The Bench
Not everyone can start. One guy thinks he absolutely should.
C — Gus Sinski
🎬 For Love of the Game
🍅 47% Tomatometer 🍿 75% Popcornmeter Clubhouse Whisper: He can hear a pitcher unraveling from sixty feet, six inches away.
OF — Bobby Rayburn
🎬 The Fan
🍅 38% Tomatometer 🍿 35% Popcornmeter Clubhouse Whisper: He hasn’t complained once about coming off the bench. He hasn’t needed to; everyone complains to get him out there.
UTIL — Charlie Snow (Carlos Nevada)
🎬 The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings
🍅 87% Tomatometer 🍿 66% Popcornmeter Clubhouse Whisper: You ask what position he plays, he asks what position pays.
1B — Lou Collins
🎬 Little Big League
🍅 35% Tomatometer 🍿 54% Popcornmeter Clubhouse Whisper: The clubhouse has a pool on whether Billy calls him Lou or "Dad" first.
The Opening Arguments
~68 pitch types, 9.5 scouting departments, and two investigations. One involving Interpol and the other, insurance fraud.
SP — Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn
🎬 Major League
🍅 83% Tomatometer 🍿84% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Top-of-scale arm strength with improving strike-throwing ability. Competitive edge is fully prosecutable.
Clubhouse Whisper: The scouting report says “violent fastball.” The background check says “also yes.”
SP — Mel Clark
🎬 Angels in the Outfield
🍅 31% Tomatometer 🍿50% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Veteran starter with playoff-level guts, late-career command, and a terrifying willingness to pitch through anything.
Clubhouse Whisper: His arm is hanging by a thread and somehow still throwing strikes.
SP — Nuke LaLoosh
🎬 Bull Durham
🍅 97% Tomatometer (Certified Fresh) 🍿82% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Monster raw stuff. Power arm. Frontline ceiling if the brain and fastball arrive at the same time.
Clubhouse Whisper: Has a million-dollar arm and a five-cent head. (Not so much a whisper.)
SP — Henry Rowengartner
🎬 Rookie of the Year
🍅 41% Tomatometer 🍿53% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Unprecedented arm speed, impossible extension, medical file reads like witchcraft. Development path remains concerning.
Clubhouse Whisper: The Cubs finally developed a pitcher, and it took a broken arm.
SP — Bingo Long
🎬 The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings
🍅 87% Tomatometer (Certified Fresh) 🍿66% Popcornmeter
Anonymous Scout: Ace presence, barnstorming durability, improvisational command, and complete ownership of the moment.
Clubhouse Whisper: He doesn’t take the mound. He makes an entrance.
The Late-Inning Situation
A legit bullpen, but with this crew, it's also a warning label.
LRP — Eddie Harris
🎬 Major League
🍅 83% Tomatometer 🍿84% Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: Half his pitches are illegal, and the other half are probably just waiting on paperwork.
MRP — Sam “Mayday” Malone
📺 Cheers
🍅 N/A Tomatometer 🍿 N/A Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: Former relief pitcher, current bartender, lifetime expert in getting out of jams he absolutely created.
MRP — Amanda Whurlitzer
🎬 The Bad News Bears
🍅 90% Tomatometer 🍿 80% Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: Throws strikes, takes no crap, and has been tired of boys since Little League.
MRP — Chet “Rocket” Steadman
🎬 Rookie of the Year
🍅 41% Tomatometer 🍿 53% Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: Every bullpen needs one veteran whose arm hurts when the weather changes and whose stories improve by the inning.
MRP — Jim Bowers
🎬 Little Big League
🍅 36% Tomatometer 🍿 54% Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: Nobody remembers how he got here, which is exactly what you want from middle relief.
SU — Rigoberto “Rigo” Sánchez (L)
🎬 Trouble with the Curve
🍅 51% Tomatometer 🍿 66% Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: The scout found him, the league doubted him, and now every lefty-lefty matchup is personal.
SU — John “Blackout” Gatling
🎬 Little Big League
🍅 36% Tomatometer 🍿 54% Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: His nickname is Blackout, which is either intimidation, alcohol related, or a medical condition. Either way, perfect for the eighth inning.
CP — Kenny Powers
📺 Eastbound & Down
🍅 91% Tomatometer 🍿 88% Popcornmeter
Clubhouse Whisper: He enters to save the game, the brand, and whatever remains of his self-image. Only one thing is guaranteed. “You’re f****** out!”
Special Roles:
A peanuts groundscrew might be the most fun thing to observe.
Roger Dorn becoming an agent makes more sense to me. I didn’t like the ownership role he was given in Major League II.
Rachel Phelps is banned.
Organizational Structure:
Richard Pryor as commissioner is not a baseball decision; it’s a public service. I want him in a boardroom full of owners, listening to one of them complain about payroll, TV rights, or competitive balance, then smiling like he just heard the dumbest thing alive, then he’d reduce the whole room to ash before the coffee cooled off.
The Heywoods at the top might be something special
Two scouts walk into a bar, Capadino and Perocolo. Sounds a bit like Abbott & Costello
Note: there is no Traveling Secretary
Monty, delivering one-word reports from the dugout.
A little recap:
This started as a stupid idea. Then it became a spreadsheet. Then, the scouting reports. Then a front office. Then a 26-man roster. One thing that I noticed doing this is that lefties are scarce!
Somewhere along the way, I realized I hadn’t been working on this for months. I’d been working on it my entire life. Every baseball movie, every Saturday afternoon on the couch, every quote I still remember, every argument over which baseball flick was number one.
Is it overanalyzed? Absolutely. That’s the point, you are now burdened with what comes out of my head. What’s probably more concerning is that this isn’t the only roster.
There’s already a AAA affiliate. Coaches, front office, broadcast booth. Organizational depth, with prospects, promotions, and demotions. I’m one slow day away from scheduling a fictional Winter Meetings.
I regret nothing.
If you disagree, congratulations. You are now on the selection committee. We can discuss this after the minor league team drops.
This is what happens when I’m left unsupervised with baseball, movies, and a computer. If you want that same energy pointed at your team, athlete, brand, or project. I’m available. DM or email at crod@9inningnomad.com
Bro, who's on the taxi squad for double headers?
Very creative. Nicely done!